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March 21 - Suicidal Thoughts

What a delicate we all try to avoid. But suicide is real, and it needs to be talked about - ESPECIALLY when it haunts us. Let me just go ahead and clear the air: I still have suicidal thoughts. I've had them ever since I can remember.


During my drinking days, they were more than just thoughts. I was definitely going to do it. (Here's the letter I wrote to myself on the darkest day of my life). For YEARS, I battled constant thoughts like these:

"I could totally drive into a tree and end it all today." 

"If I end up getting caught, I can just kill myself."

"Bad things keep happening when I try to do good. What's the point of all this?"

"Hell can't be as bad as this."

And here's what I looked like during those days. (yes, that's a sombrero.)

For the record, I'm not sitting here writing this from some cloud of darkness with a pitchfork in my right hand. My life is unbelievably good, and it's a direct result of my sobriety. The deep void in my soul has been filled with a joy and peace that can only come from God. Yet, I still have random flashes of suicidal contemplation. Take today, for example: 

Today was great! I ran six miles, played with my sweet little Ziva, got some cool creative work done, and had some laughs with friends. Somewhere in the middle of it all, there was a flash of, "I could totally fail. I'm too invested in CLTIVATE to quit, but I could totally just end it all if I need to."

I'm writing this because I lived a lifetime of holding things in, and it made me VERY sick. Do we all struggle with suicidal thoughts? I don't know. I just know that I do, and I know that it's part of this terrible thing called addiction.


Feelings are incredibly real in sobriety (which is exactly why I drank), but those feelings don't define my reality anymore. I can FEEL suicidal for a second, but I will not entertain that feeling, because I know the truth. The truth is that everything in this crazy life is TOTALLY WORTH IT, even when it doesn't seem that way. I've said this before: If I understood everything, I wouldn't need God. 

So...if by some chance you deal with similar're not alone. I think it's normal. Just cling to the Truth, no matter what. Life is worth it, and we are supposed to be alive - otherwise we'd be dead. Deep stuff, eh? Seriously, shake it off. Get up & do something good. Go outside. Go look at the stars tonight. There's more to the story - hang in there. God loves you, and so do I. 

(If you read this, let me know. I write these posts every day in the hopes that you will read them - it takes a lot of time and energy to write with such passion every single day. Let me know you saw it! Message me on Instagram, or send an email to And please share this on Facebook if you like it. The goal here is to reach people. Much love!!!) -Zack


  • I read them daily also. Thanks for sharing. If it helps just one person it’s worth it. You are doing great things!?

    Shelly Sorensen
  • I read them daily, love them, relate to them and share them! Keep doing all you’re doing. There’s a ton of support for you Zack!

    Delia Chabant

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