March 21 - Suicidal Thoughts
What a delicate subject...one we all try to avoid. But suicide is real, and it needs to be talked about - ESPECIALLY when it haunts us. Let me just go ahead and clear the air: I still have suicidal thoughts. I've had them ever since I can remember.
During my drinking days, they were more than just thoughts. I was definitely going to do it. (Here's the letter I wrote to myself on the darkest day of my life). For YEARS, I battled constant thoughts like these:
"I could totally drive into a tree and end it all today."
"If I end up getting caught, I can just kill myself."
"Bad things keep happening when I try to do good. What's the point of all this?"
"Hell can't be as bad as this."
And here's what I looked like during those days. (yes, that's a sombrero.)
For the record, I'm not sitting here writing this from some cloud of darkness with a pitchfork in my right hand. My life is unbelievably good, and it's a direct result of my sobriety. The deep void in my soul has been filled with a joy and peace that can only come from God. Yet, I still have random flashes of suicidal contemplation. Take today, for example:
Today was great! I ran six miles, played with my sweet little Ziva, got some cool creative work done, and had some laughs with friends. Somewhere in the middle of it all, there was a flash of, "I could totally fail. I'm too invested in CLTIVATE to quit, but I could totally just end it all if I need to."
I'm writing this because I lived a lifetime of holding things in, and it made me VERY sick. Do we all struggle with suicidal thoughts? I don't know. I just know that I do, and I know that it's part of this terrible thing called addiction.
Feelings are incredibly real in sobriety (which is exactly why I drank), but those feelings don't define my reality anymore. I can FEEL suicidal for a second, but I will not entertain that feeling, because I know the truth. The truth is that everything in this crazy life is TOTALLY WORTH IT, even when it doesn't seem that way. I've said this before: If I understood everything, I wouldn't need God.
So...if by some chance you deal with similar thoughts...you're not alone. I think it's normal. Just cling to the Truth, no matter what. Life is worth it, and we are supposed to be alive - otherwise we'd be dead. Deep stuff, eh? Seriously, shake it off. Get up & do something good. Go outside. Go look at the stars tonight. There's more to the story - hang in there. God loves you, and so do I.
(If you read this, let me know. I write these posts every day in the hopes that you will read them - it takes a lot of time and energy to write with such passion every single day. Let me know you saw it! Message me on Instagram, or send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org. And please share this on Facebook if you like it. The goal here is to reach people. Much love!!!) -Zack